Ah, the carefree environment of anonymity is exactly what I need.
Although you’re certainly not the only advice column I’ve sought out, I figured one more couldn’t do any harm.
What are your thoughts on how I could discuss my identity as LGBTQ with my friends and family?My apologies if this is not a topic you are trained to deal with but it is an important one that not many would be comfortable to discuss.
Thus I ask, if you found out your best friend, of the same gender, had feelings for you, how would you react? Should I be honest or keep my thoughts to myself so as not to ruin a friendship?If possible I’d like multiple opinions.
This is a really tough topic…you’re right. But I agree that it’s an important one to address. First and foremost, you should know that what you’re going through is a common issue, but it is also different for every person who experiences it. That said, my advice for you might not fit your exact situation: even though my intentions are in the right place, in the end it’s up to you to decide what you should do.
The way in which I think I can best help is by answering your question in two parts: what to say (or not say) to your friends and family about your LGBTQ identity, and also how to address your best friend for whom you have feelings.
Coming out to your friends and family is a nerve-racking and often unpredictable experience. I suggest an informal approach; take people aside one-by-one. If you act like it’s not a big deal, whomever you’re telling is likely to feel the same. Perhaps try to talk to the people you think will be most accepting first—that way, you solidify what you want to say, and their acceptance will give you the confidence to address others. Since your friends and family are the people who love you most, they are most likely going to ask you a boatload of questions—try not to get overwhelmed or frustrated. No matter how silly or basic this may seem, try to remember what it felt like for you to figure out your own identity, and remember that they’re going through the same thing and that because they love you, they are trying to understand what you’re going through.
Nonetheless, you don’t necessarily have to tell every single person in your friend or family circles. If, for whatever reason you think that it would be to your detriment to come out to someone, you don’t have to tell that person—but make sure that the people you do tell know that not everyone knows and that they should consider what you tell them private information.
Now, about your best friend: telling him/her that your feelings go beyond the platonic is a risk that heterosexual people face as well. It all really depends on your relationship with this person—and as his/her best friend, you are probably one of the people who know best how your friend might react. And, depending on what you decide to tell him/her, there are several different ways to approach (or avoid) telling said friend. If you decide to reveal all of your cards, you could do so in steps. After all, imagine that the person to whom you are closest reveals a part of him/herself to you that you didn’t know—it can be pretty mind-blowing at first. So maybe tell your friend one bit of information at a time. That way you can decide what else to say based on how your friend reacts to what you’ve already revealed. And again, you don’t have to tell your best friend anything, if you decide that for whatever reason that it’s not a good idea. This is your life, and you can decide how much of it to share with different people.
In terms of how I personally would react, I honestly think that I would want to know. Based on the relationships that I have with my close friends, if one of them were to tell me that she liked girls, I would accept her with open arms; but some tiny voice in the back of my head might wonder if she finds me attractive. Obviously, I know that just because a girl is attracted to girls means that they find every single girl attractive—just like a girl who likes boys doesn’t think that every single boy is attractive. I would hope that your friend understands this as well. Nevertheless, I think that because my friends and I are so close, and because we talk about boys we find attractive, I would want to know what girls my friend finds attractive, and if I was included.
Please keep in mind that my viewpoint is not that of every person, or even most people; it’s because of my own beliefs and my relationships with those around me that I think this way. If there’s someone other than your best friend who knows that you’re LGBTQ, perhaps you might want to ask that person for an opinion on your predicament, especially if he/she know your best friend personally.
I really hope that my advice is helpful; I know it can be hard to make these kinds of decisions, but trust me, it’s almost equally as hard to give advice on how to make them. Remember that each person’s experience is unique and that you shouldn’t feel obliged to tell anyone before you’re ready. If ever there was a time to analyze a situation to reason out how to proceed, this is it. But also remember that if you do receive a negative reaction, not everyone thinks or will think negatively. There is always someone out there in the world who will accept you for who you are. So as disappointing and upsetting as it can be when someone doesn’t accept you, just think of all of the people who do, and how much better you feel because of it.
I want to wish you the best of luck; and remember, when in doubt, go with your gut. It’s the best instinct you have!
-Marlena Rubenstein